I did my counselling training over two years ago now but getting lost in the re-creation of my past traumas and having to deal with my own shit kinda put me back to square one in the learning arena. I saw the fences, I tried my best to jump them but darn it, if I didn’t go and fall off and break my damn legs (metaphorically speaking). I lost confidence in the skills and abilities I had learned and so decided to put back on my student shoes (are they ever really off in this big school of life), climb back on the horse and learn to walk on before I break once again into a steady trot (somewhere in my future I am already riding Pegasus, I swear it). So I signed myself up for level two counselling training three weeks ago and have just come back from my third class tonight.
I am a bit like an empty vessel waiting to be filled again. All the learning that has gone before seems to be suspended somewhere in my subconscious poised for the trigger words that will bring remembering into play. I am already finding the learning style of this course preferrable to me than the previous course I did. The style is person centred. The tutor is very willing to model and demonstrate counselling skills in action and I didn’t feel I got that from my last course. I realise now that by seeing an experienced person actually demonstrating the skills I can draw on the memory of them doing so and this helps me to develop and have confidence in my own abilities. It is part of the way I learn. I think it’s because I then have an internal reference point of expetise that I can compare my own performance to initially.
The tutor is very transparent, open, respectful and genuine…a way of being that I aspire to. I feel thankful that I have found a good role model in him. He walks his talk!
When I go to class my inner child let’s me know she feels vulnerable by giving me feelings of anxiety. They are not overwhelming feelings, more like a nudge to say, “I worry about being judged and rejected here if I show myself”. I reasure her almost automatically now. It really is like I am carrying around a child with me at the moment! I think before my child and adult part of me were enmeshed together and I didn’t know what was past (child) part of me and what is now. I find that separating them out and defining them as separate helps me see with more clarity what is past and what is now. I am curious as to how this works…do I need to separate the part to get to know it fully so that I can learn what it needs in order to heal before it can reintegrate with the whole me? I know when I have experienced inner archetypes that it has been a process of getting to know their energies and qualities before integrating with them.
We were asked in class today “when are you completely and genuinely yourself?”
My answer was “when I feel safe”. I am completely myself when I feel safe to be and that’s my truth. I am working on linking into that safe place within myself as often as possible so that I can always carry that safe feeling with me (and encourage my inner child to link into it) and then I can choose to be as genuine as I want to be rather than not being genuine because I am afraid to be.
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